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How To Create a Truly Annoying Web Site

Many businesses and organizations are realizing the value of creating a Web site on the internet. Web site development requires thorough planning, knowledgeable personnel to handle the site and its maintenance.

With tongue firmly planted in cheek, consider some of the most egregious mistakes found on business sites - and the misconceptions that often goes with them. Here are 8 ways to make your site truly annoying.

  1. Add plenty of huge photos and graphics. You really must have an 8x10 color photo of the company's president on the home page. Crowd as many graphics and photos as you can on every page. The longer it takes your site to load on visitor's computers, the longer they'll hang around to see what develops. Graphics require much more bandwidth than text, and every graphic and photo requires a separate connection between the client and the server. The more you have, the more time it takes to load. (A good rule of thumb: It should take at least three days for a visitor to load your entire site. This assumes, of course that the visitor has a 56k modem.)
  2. Cram as much information as possible on each page. (kind of like this one!) A Web page can theoretically go on forever - it is cyberspace, after all. Never mind that only 10% of Web users scroll beyond what is visible on the screen when a page first comes up. Your Web site is different; visitors will be more than happy to scroll down the long pages you've written.
  3. Put all critical content and navigation options at the bottom of the page. The visitors to your site will really enjoy scrolling down 18 screens of text before getting to your address and phone number.
  4. Use frames everywhere! Sure, one frame on the left margin of the homepage can be used for a neat directory, but why stop there? If you put four or five frames on the page, think of all the material you could include! Of course your visitors will need 21-inch monitors to be able to view all the cool frames, but that's their problem. Plus, they will have to wait for all the framed documents - including all the graphics and photos - to load at the same time. (See the rule of thumb in No. 1.)
  5. Require a variety of plug-ins (software that extends the capabilities of a browser) to view your site. Most visitors won't mind downloading and installing Shockwave, Quicktime, and numerous other plug-ins to get the "full experience" of your Web site. So what if it takes two hours to download the required plug-ins? It will be worth it to see a 10-second video clip of some dancing baloney waving and saying, "Welcome to the Acme Widget Web site." Imagine your visitor's joy if, after acquiring the plug-ins, the video clip doesn't work!
  6. Have a different colored, textured background on each page. This is particularly effective if the text is barely detectable against the background, such as black text on a navy blue background. If your site's visitors have to squint to read the page or start cursing under their breath, you've designed something of excellence.
  7. Add plenty of animated graphics, scrolling or blinking text, and marquees. The more, the better. People who visit your site aren't looking for content, they're looking for "eye candy." There should be incessant movement throughout your site. To really grab your visitors' attention, add animated graphics that sequence rapidly - place four or five on the home page. Full sentences of blinking text are also hard to miss. Your site should look like Times Square on a Saturday night.
  8. Never, ever update the site. It was hard enough to get the thing online in the first place!

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